Let’s just take a moment to marvel at all that we’ve become since December of last year. I can’t believe I’m writing my last 2019 post, either way, this post going to be a teary interlude.
I’m not too sure about you’ all but these last couple of days have been quite something, empathy paid my gut a visit so best believe my intestines are interlocked, conjoined, twisted and unwilling to abide. Mild depression and excessive anxiety won’t give me peace but I know that every episode marks a new beginning. So as always, I’m using this time to release gunk and detox my mind, body and soul, and armour up for the future. So let’s start with the last morning of 2019.
Goodmorning 2019,
I thought I should give you a proper exit so I did some inner reflection this morning and after this post, I’ll be diving into a Higher Soul Meditation. So, for now, it’s just you, my thoughts, a cup of black tea masala and my laptop reminiscing on my life events. I really didn’t have a structure planned out until someone close to my heart unconsciously handed me the starter kit. Well, don’t you just love how the universe works? Because I do and I’m forever in awe of its magnificence! So let’s break this down into emotional, mental, physical and spiritual breakthroughs, shall we? (I suggest you do the same)
Emotionally, the beginning of 2019 was quite an experience, I made major life decisions and I really didn’t know what lied ahead. I had to find the last dose of strength within, closed my eyes in prayer and handed my heart to the gods literally. Those who know, know! It was a trying period and the only thing that brought me sanity was relocating. So I packed up, moved up and grew up pretty fast, and my daughter redefined my strength with unconditional love and temper tantrums that forced me to get my head straight and shift focus. Speaking in riddles aren’t I? worry not, you’all will read about it someday so stay tuned.
What 2019 taught me was that as much as I was preaching healing, I wasn’t being quite true to myself, it was much easier helping everyone else but myself because I didn’t want to face my reality. I was wounded and it somewhat felt like I was left for dead at some point, where was all the love, compassion, wisdom and peace I was handing out? Why wasn’t I getting it back? Did I deserve it? It definitely wasn’t living in me as much as I shared the physicality of it. I was aware of them, I practised them but it wasn’t a way of life, a ritual nor was it engraved. Was I living a lie? Yes! Because my definition of love was chaos, I didn’t really understand this until I redefined it, and that’s were my inspiration for “When love didn’t love me back” emanated from. I was wounded, my inner child needed me more than ever this year, there was no way of moving forward, the fake smiles faded and running had to stop.
I realized that if I really wanted to fill in this emptiness, I had to reconnect with little Sheila and now was the time. This experience ripped my heart out, it was emotional and painful, the thought of it still stiffens me up. So I shared a post about my childhood rapist. I deliberately used the word “my” because it was my childhood, my experience and my lesson and my recovery process. With this came a sense of liberation, a release I never felt before and it felt damn good. I should’ve done this earlier I thought to myself, but the environment at the time wasn’t conducive for this kind of inner healing. I needed complete isolation, heartbreak and a non-vernacular country for this breakthrough to take full effect. I’m glad I did because here I redefined happiness, inner-happiness, inner-peace and inner-love. I needed this and 2019 made it happen!
Thank you 2019 for bringing light and comfort throughout the year, my emotions were all over the place and I needed to ground and realign myself. I stopped running, no more running away starting tomorrow! I intend to face life head-on, take even bolder steps and share this happiness in abundance.
Mentally, I’ve matured, yes evolving and evolved souls still need to grow, but my maturity was different this year. I had a sit down with my monkey mind and demanded it clean itself up and darn fast. I didn’t want my mind zen in meditations and yoga alone but throughout the day, so I started taming the mind. It was time to get reacquainted with the mind and understand the illusions I’ve created all my life.
Taming the mind enabled me to catch myself in negative thoughts, I questioned these thoughts and dove deeper into the “5 Why’s”, because the true answer lies in the 5th “Why”. I spent some quality time in my head this year, analyzing events of my past, present and future. As everything linked up, I realized that I had to change that primitive mindset in order for things to move forward. That’s when mental healing took effect.
So thank you 2019 for helping me realize and rekindle my true essence through personal growth and freedom. I’ve become a proactive thinker and my mind is now a happy place to live in. I intend to excel in this department moving forward.
Physically, my body gave up on me many times. 95% of this was through mentally and emotionally induced illnesses. Sure yoga and meditation did an excellent job, as did self-energy healing but I realized I was suppressing emotions and thoughts rather than dealing with them head-on. What happens when the internals are out-of-order? You guessed it! Your externals shutdown and illness bestow thee. I think at the time I was too engrossed in the physical form that I forgot to take care of my energy body. Then I recited the “I AM” mantra often;
I AM not the body.
I AM not the emotions.
I AM not the thoughts.
I AM not the mind.
The mind is only a subtle instrument of the soul.
I AM the Soul.
I AM a Spiritual Being of Divine Intelligence,
Divine Love, Divine Power.
I AM One with the Higher Soul.
I AM THAT I AM.
I AM One with the Divine Spark.
I AM a child of God.
I AM connected with God.
I AM one with All.
This mantra birthed a whole new perspective and that what I thought turned out to be nothing but an ego.
So thank you 2019 for helping me to sink deeper into this state of awareness. It became more than a chant and a way of life, each sentence intertwined so well with every aspect of my being. I am in a better mental state now than I ever have been.
Spiritually, I’m very pleased with how far I’ve come and I’m not ready to do it all over again because progression is key. I merged all my Koshas into one through understanding each one of the bodies. My meditations got deeper as did my other practices, guaranteed my intuition solidified this year and I learnt to trust my gut because it was always right. Of course, I won’t leave my trip to India out of this because it was a part of my soul journey, and the spiritual energy of Rishikesh left me yearning for more. I knew my purpose before this trip and the Yoga Teacher Training courses made my purpose and desires for service so much greater.
I am where I’m meant to be for now, and that whatever experiences I had during the course of the year and previously happened for a reason and I am the person I am today because of them. I turned bitterness into sweetness, darkness into light, and hate into love, and water into wine because the world around me is in dire need of hope. I am more grounded and aligned with myself now more than ever before, and for this I am grateful.
So thank you once again 2019 for serving me universal love, peace and abundance, my connection with God is greater than ever and I know I’m here on soul business, not people’s business.
This year taught me a lot of things and the one that stood out the most was self-forgiveness. I forgave myself for many things, I hugged my inner child and let go of the hurt, anger and resentment. So 2020 I am ready to give my all to that one deserving being, I am ready for a second chance and ready for the inevitable. 2019 dared me, and I’m ready to make another drastic change in my life come 2020. It’s scary but I AM ready!
Happy New Year everybody! Thank you for your love, support, lessons, trials and existence through 2019. Be sure to receive the same in abundance in 2020 and be sure to book your Emotional Detox 2020 Program.