I had a rather interesting experience recently when depression paid me a visit. As I always tell people, “I AM not ‘my’ depression, I AM not what society has accepted as abnormally normal and I have refused to own it”.
The body is depressed, and because it is a part of my evolution, the body has to experience all these emotions and thoughts to progress further and understand thyself better. Well, that’s something I came to realize as I embarked on my spiritual journey. So I was triggered by an event that reawakened these little beings that reside in my head and solar plexus, aka “elementals”. Best believe it hit me harder than usual but something was different this time around. Sure I applied my coping mechanisms, went through the self-inflicted thoughts and emotions that this year 2018 had on replay from many lifetimes and beyond. As much as we tend to focus on the internal influences during this state, external influences only play the role of ‘depressive boosters’.
Let me break this down, internal influences are the negative thought forms we create, fabricated explanations that verify why you’re not worthy of love, peace or happiness. Going as deep as to why you don’t deserve to be alive, why you’re an outcast alongside every negative thought intended to stir up emotional turmoil. On the other hand, external influences are what we choose to see from those around us, that will support and spice up those internal battles. Examples would include, false excuses why certain people are treating you a certain way, your living conditions, financial situations, friends and family situations, significant others, even the weather would fall prey to this.
With all the wreckage in a perfect place and a well lined up self-loathing episode waiting to happen, my funk dragged me out of it into the world around me. To say the least, it was both enlightening and disappointing at the same time pertaining to those around me. Clear signs and signals were laid out:
- Complete isolation was at play.
Regular check-ups on friends and clients seized. I excluded myself from events and gatherings, came up with the silliest excuses at times but also had somewhat good reasons when need be.
I just didn’t communicate with people, I actually didn’t want to and it felt like a burden. So, by all means, I avoided interactions, whether in person and via phone amenities. These were all connected to isolation.
3. Change in personality.
It’s almost immediate, I’m naturally bubbly and high on happy energy, more like an energizer bunny looking to make someone’s day and overwhelm them with love and joy. But when that ‘funk’ is in full swing, a gloomy ungrounded and emotional self-sets in. I might even have outbursts that according to mental health professionals is an outcry for help that no one seems to see.
4. Loss of interest.
Disinterest in things I once enjoyed doing, i.e social events, meditation and fitness, writing and all my happy juice activities. Waking up early, cooking even eating becomes a chore. The ‘will’ to do things just isn’t there, it almost feels like I’ve lost my jolly good self somewhere in the clouds.
5. ‘Present’ but ‘Absent’.
Yap! just because I’m physically present doesn’t mean I’m mentally present. Sure thing I’m listening, nodding my head and possessing all the traits of effective communication. However, there are moments when my mind leaves my body, it feels like a few levitative moments but I’m pretty sure it stretches on until you’re caught off-guard and you scramble back to the present.
Part and parcel with “present but absent”, I believe its a temporary mental state. If I don’t set a reminder, best believe I will miss an appointment, I can’t count the times I’ve misplaced my car keys, phone, or forgotten my own telephone number. Conversations made would require a recap or a rude reminder though selective.
This list goes on and on, but in the midst of all this, those closest to me seem to be unaware of the shift in my energy, unless you’re an intuitive or energy worker. But these somewhat small things, that cause so much havoc go unnoticed. Only at the passing or suicidal attempt do people start recollecting the changes they never saw or took seriously. Why should you wait until its too late?
This got me thinking, should the fate of your wellbeing be guided by those around you? Is your mental state their responsibility or yours? What role do those around you play?
In an attempt to understand this, I couldn’t help but contradict myself. Those who care or love you partake in your wellbeing, it’s by default you become their responsibility and they become yours. Sure we all have roles to play but the only person responsible for your mental state is you. Those around you either console you or cause a commotion, it’s not their actions that influence your outcome, it’s your reaction that determines it. So the role that people play in your life is the role you choose not theirs. Everyone in your life has a unique role to play, that’s why you’re selective with whom you confide in, you know the friends to call for a night out and who to talk to for advice. Your mental state and overall wellbeing are generally in your hands. It’s easy to blame people for your shortcomings because it’s harder to face ourselves and admit our faults, especially our inner ‘demons’.
These lessons are never easy to understand but remember they are lessons we need to learn. You are responsible for your own happiness. Now that you’re aware, let your journey begin.